When people see my wife and me — married for over 46 years — they often smile and say things like:
“Una too dey love!”
“Wahala no get for una marriage sha.”
“Na so I want my own marriage to be.”
But let me tell you honestly — it’s not some fairy-tale love story where everything is always perfect. Nothing about a long-lasting marriage comes easy, and certainly not without work. If you think being married for decades means we’re “stupidly in love” with no problems? Nah — that’s misunderstanding the real truth about marriage.
In this blog post, we’ll unpack what really makes long-term marriages endure, what science and experts say, and why longevity in marriage is about work, commitment, communication, and intentionality — not magic.
1. Marriage Is Made, Not Found
One of the most common myths about long-term relationships is that they’re effortless if the couple “just loves each other enough.” But decades of research says otherwise:
Marriage isn’t some divine contract that guarantees happiness — it’s a fragile partnership that needs daily effort.
According to studies on long-term couples, satisfaction in marriage isn’t automatic. People in long-lasting relationships highlight that what keeps them together isn’t just love — it’s work, action, and investment in their relationship. Partners agreed that mutual commitment, respect, humor, and discipline are foundational.
This aligns with what countless marital researchers have found: marriage isn’t a destination — it’s a process. Every day requires choices, effort, vulnerability, and cooperation.
2. Friendship Is the Core — Not Just Romance
Many people chase romantic passion as the ultimate foundation of marriage. But according to Harvard social scientist Arthur Brooks, the number-one predictor of a lasting marriage isn’t passion — it’s friendship.
Brooks emphasizes that couples who remain close friends — who enjoy each other’s company, share interests, support one another, and can genuinely talk about anything — are far more likely to stay together for life.
This is consistent with studies where couples married 45+ years identify liking the person they’re with as a major factor in their success. It’s one thing to love someone — but to like them through challenges, quirks, disappointments, and daily life? That’s powerful.
3. Communication Is the Lifeblood of Marriage
If friendship is the bedrock of lasting marriage, communication is the lifeblood.
Why Communication Matters
Experts consistently say that couples who communicate openly — and effectively — have stronger, more resilient marriages. Emotional intelligence — the ability to understand and manage emotions — plays a huge role here:
Couples who regulate emotions well avoid harmful reactions.
They express needs clearly.
They listen deeply instead of just waiting to talk.
How Strong Communication Works
Marriage researchers highlight everyday communication rituals that strengthen connection, such as:
✔️ sharing moments of affection
✔️ checking in emotionally
✔️ expressing appreciation and gratitude
✔️ actively listening instead of assuming intentions
✔️ problem-solving rather than blaming
When couples stop communicating, even minor misunderstandings can fester into resentment. But when communication thrives, emotional intimacy deepens and trust strengthens.
4. Commitment Isn’t a One-Time Thing — It’s Daily
Let’s be clear: love alone doesn’t keep a marriage intact — commitment does.
According to family studies, spouses who see their marriage as one of the most important parts of their lives are significantly more likely to report happiness and stability than those who don’t. In fact, researchers found that high levels of commitment correlate with higher marital satisfaction and much lower chances of divorce.
Commitment involves:
Choosing each other every day
Making sacrifices for the future of the union
Seeing the couple as a team rather than individuals with separate goals
For many long-married couples, part of their success comes from making marriage a priority — even when life gets busy, stressful, or complicated.
5. Shared History and Team Identity Strengthen Bonds
Couples who have been married for decades often talk about how their shared history has become part of their identity. Rather than seeing themselves as two separate people, they see the marriage as an entity — a “we” that includes shared memories, challenges conquered, and goals achieved.
This shared history doesn’t erase conflict — but it reframes conflict. When a couple has weathered storms together before, they’re often better equipped to face future challenges with resilience and perspective.
6. Practical Challenges Still Exist — Don’t Let Appearances Fool You
Behind every long-term marriage are the realities that no relationship is perfect. Money issues, external stress, work pressures, and raising children can strain even the strongest marriages. In fact, financial stress alone — not infidelity — is one of the biggest predictors of marital discord if not handled openly and constructively.
What this means is:
No couple is immune to problems.
Seeing a couple together for decades doesn’t mean they never argue.
It doesn’t mean they don’t struggle.
It simply means they work through it and choose to stay committed anyway.
7. Finding Balance in Marriage: Togetherness vs Independence
Interestingly, research also shows that healthy marriage isn’t just about being together 24/7. Couples with lasting marriages find a balance between togetherness and individuality. They support each other’s personal goals, interests, and growth, which actually enriches the relationship.
This means: ✔️ Allowing each other personal space
✔️ Pursuing hobbies and self-development
✔️ Coming together as partners rather than co-dependents
Mutual respect for independence actually strengthens the partnership.
8. Humor, Patience, and Resilience Matter Too
Long-term couples often mention elements that don’t show up in headlines but make a huge difference in practice:
✔️ A sense of humor to diffuse tension
✔️ Patience when times get tough
✔️ The ability to forgive and not hold grudges
✔️ Resilience to bounce back after disagreements
These attributes don’t come naturally — they’re cultivated through practice and intentional choices.
9. What It All Comes Down To
Here’s the honest summary: Marriage longevity is not a myth, but it’s also not automatic. Long-lasting marriages don’t happen because couples “got lucky” — though luck sometimes helps — but because they make daily choices to nurture, protect, and invest in their union.
Every healthy long-term relationship shares these common themes: 🔹 Friendship over fantasy
🔹 Communication over assumption
🔹 Commitment over convenience
🔹 Shared identity over isolation
🔹 Work over waiting for perfection
In other words, a happy marriage is not a reward you get — it’s a life you build.
Closing Thought
So the next time someone sees me and my wife and assumes we’ve lived in constant bliss from day one, let them know this: we chose each other every single day, even when it wasn’t easy. And that — not luck, not fairy tales, not “stupid love” — is what has kept us together for over four decades.
Marriage isn’t a myth. But it’s also not effortless. It’s a choice, a practice, and most of all, a commitment to growth — together. ❤️
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